The Rape of Lucretia

There are just some really brilliant moments - aside from the depressing story line.

Here are a few of my absolutely favorite moments:

Act I, Scene II: Their Spinning Wheels Unwind

Act II, Scene I: Oh What A Lovely Day - But probably more like 5 minutes in with harp solo.

Act II, Finale: Is This All

Such a depressing opera - but I'm obsessed.

How Do You Wish to Proceed?

This question has been on my mind all day and what better way to work out the insanity of my thoughts then here - with all my wonderful friends.

To what degree is an artist willing to sacrifice their craft for their partner, regardless genre?

Sounds rather strange for me to pose that question in such a way; my syntax is not the most pleasant thing to decipher today - I'm too tired and mentally exhausted to rethink my grammar. Sorry.

I should, partially, be careful with how I use the word sacrifice - there is no negativity intended by its usage.

My entire life, as early as I can remember, my priority - my top priority, has been art. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't pursuing music - I was deeply entrenched in the visual arts, painting, charcoal sketching, water colors - you name it. Art has always been an integral part of my family growing up, my fathers mother was an artist, both my aunt and uncle are artists - one of which is a relatively well-known artist in NYC. My mother's cousin is an artist and my cousin is the editor in chief for D.C. Comics.

I happened to stumble on music, just a different medium for expression.

But to me, there is no great constant (even though, at times it's NOT very constant) than music. It is my passion, my heart, my life, my dreams, my lover, my partner - it really embodies my soul. I could never (and still can't) quite understand why so many musicians need a break from music. I understand that I need a break from playing, but my mind NEVER stops thinking about it. Beethoven, Mozart, Strauss, Carissimi, NIELSEN, Shostakovich - thoughts are always popping into my brain about phrasing or how to achieve absolute serenity through my playing.

But, what makes this life so difficult, and I've accepted it (for me),that it is one of solidarity - in my thoughts, in my music, in my playing. Don't allow that to skew your thoughts into thinking I want nothing to do with sharing that with my partner. I do. I want to share my life with someone - someone who understands what it is that I struggle with - someone who understands that if I disappear for 8 or 12 hours because I'm so immersed in my music, that it's okay.

People do it, people find their loved ones, their partners and create a really harmonious life together.

Look at great artist, Monet - Renoir - Degas - BRILLIANT artists all of whom emotionally struggled with partners and loved ones. That's not just limited to the visual arts, look at Shakespeare or Poe - or t.s. elliot. Brilliant minds tortured by the solidarity of their craft.

I'm not certain if I'll ever be able to change my priority. I am, however, certain I could make my partner "A" priority, but not "THE" prioirity.

Thanks to those few that I've talked with these passed few days about this - this has been both an enlightening experience as well as a thought provoking and stimulating jaunt for me.

Not to mention a nice change to studying for music history.

This Is Getting Annoying

For once, I actually sat down and prepared myself for my theory midterm. And I'm not a big theory whiz-kid - I tend to make ridiculously stupid mistakes. I.E. Double things that have no reason to be doubled, inadvertently resolving things the WRONG way.

I thought I was prepared. Really took the time to look over my notes, to go through terminology - and I felt good. Prepared, which is something I rarely am good at when it comes to theory.

I was certain I was going to get an A. NO - I'm going to be mediocre and get a B. What is that? I don't like B's - even though after this degree, grades are a complete thing of the past. Nonetheless, it is absolutely disgusting to me to not get an A. What?

But, what freaks me out is that, even with the preparation I did - and the study - I still made enough mistakes to vomit such a grade?

I feel like I'm failing at life over here because I can't master freakin' counterpoint and tonal harmony?!?!?!

This is very disheartening. Very discouraging. Very frustrating.

Damn.

Ring of FIRE – More like RING OF MY DEATH!

USUALLY, I'm really good at maintaining my composure when things get "hairy." Today, however, I felt like the planets were horribly misaligned and the stars were against me. At one put, I felt like I was on the verge of pulling every last strand of hair out of my head - strand by strand.

 

I've found that my productivity grows exponentially when my schedule is maxed out. On average, I'm running around all day from about 10am to 11 or 12 at night. And I enjoy it, I really do. My practice becomes more efficient, my studying becomes more concise and I avoid drama at every corner. Why? Because I know that I don't have mass quantities of time lying around and at my disposal. Well, except on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's just when unforeseen events happen - like school closing yesterday thus snow balling (note pun, for those pun illiterate) the downward spiral that was...today. And we're not even halfway through the rest of the day.

 

My story line:

 

The dress rehearsal for "The Rape of Lucretia" was canceled, as it should be considering campus SHUTDOWN due to DEATH SNOW.

 

On an aside: Why do schools, both college and public, find it necessary to wait until the extreme last minute to make decisions regarding closings? Shouldn't the words: "DO NOT TRAVEL UNLESS IT IS AN EXTREME EMERGENCY" ring some alarm in the officials who make such calls? Okay, back to story line:

 

An email surges around the orchestra that an additional dress rehearsal will be scheduled tomorrow (or today) from 2-5pm. 

 

Huh?

 

Do they not realize that some musicians are playing in both orchestras? Amassing to 6 FUN FILLED hours of "The Rape of Lucretia." Oh well, such is life RIGHT?

 

My resolve: Emails were exchanged between the Maestra and me and I get word that it's okay for me not to be there. SWEET.

 

Especially considering I now have orchestra rehearsal for Shostakovich 1 from 5-6pm. 

 

I didn't think about getting a sub for the opera, mostly because it's a dress rehearsal and I wouldn't want to put someone through such hell of trying to figure out what was going on. So, I then realized that I had to be at the rehearsal.

 

Walking back from my apartment, I felt the anxiety and panick attack slowly creeping in – death to me and did I mention I had this DAMN snow.

 

Tears.

 

For about 2 hours I was in sheer terror because I now had rehearsal from 2-5, then from 5-6pm, THEN BACK to Opera from 8-11pm. That's 7 hours of rehearsal, of with all of it is pretty much nonstop playing. And I still haven't had the chance to practice. FAIL. I have a midterm on Friday, competitions, auditions, and recitals. This is NOT what I need right now and I really REALLY needed those three hours from 2-5.

 

And you know, I like the opera, a LOT, and it does go by rather quickly. Mostly because you don't have the time to stop and think, it's just go go go go go go go and don't make any mistakes.

 

Don't let me forget my morning classes from 10am-1pm. I'm kind of nervous about this history midterm on Friday mostly because of my realization, while in class today, that I've learned absolutely NOTHING. There has been no clear or concise flow of information to help link historical genres - and the GA feels the need to argue her case against why certain instrumental works are a part of different time periods and blah blah blah blah.

 

Women, it's a review class. Review please, I don't need to know your two cents on life and the development of x, y, and z.

 

Then I found out she's a hardcore conservative Republican (and not the good kind, if there exists a good kind). Which is funny, because I have been able to put my finger on why I don't much care for her – sanz her teaching – until now.

 

Tangents. I has them. 

 

But now I have just a slight moment to myself thanks to Zack who's subbing for me on the Shostakovich.

 

Okay, moment gone - need to study. 

 

Musically, things are going well for me these days. I feel like, at times, I'm almost capable of conveying everything I have to say and hear in my playing.

But not always. There are still some insecurities and technical things I need to work out. Like this horrendous passage at the end of the 1st mvmt. of the "Three Studies on Flight." At times, I can just - BAM - pop it out. But more often then not, I get all the way to the end - and that last damned high B pathetically pops the under tone. It's like longing for a glazed donut and when you get it and excitedly sink your teeth into it, you realize how GAWD awful stale it is. It's very disappointing.

And I want to scream EVERY-TIME it happens. I feel bad for the people that practice around me - they must hate me. I can hear their thoughts sometimes, "Just play SOMETHING else! Damn it, no one wants to hear that shit." At least, that's what I would be thinking if practicing next to someone playing lit. as weird as that.

Such is life. I've come to the realization of things over the past few hours - having a few minutes to allow my mind to digest the past weeks happenings - and I'm almost at some sort of functioning level with the people around me. Sometimes it's still very hard for me to want to really talk with people these days - especially when I'm so consumed by my studies, playing, and music. The added benefit, I guess, would be that my playing is growing at a much faster rate - and I can't eat - even if I force myself too.

So, I'll be an 'amazing' anorexic clarinetist! YES!

The sacrifices one makes. I guess...

Off to bed before 2am, such a rarity these days. Up early to score study and practice.

Forum for a Few.

I feel like I'm lost in some barren wasteland of slowly rotting foliage emanating a stench of decaying flesh.

Odd, yes, but the word "normal" has never been used to describe me.

It's interesting to write about my current emotional and physical state. When I think about my state of mind - I can't quite find the right adjectives to best explain this titanic oil spill covering my mind.

And I'm rather good at stepping back and being able to relate to problems much better than others.

So many things have been going wrong lately - and I haven't had the time to actually sit down and really process them. I need the time for my brain to think about everything, take it apart, put it back together and file it off in some random hidden cave in the back of my subconscious. It's not that what is going wrong is so much a "bad" thing, per say. I've gotten used to really brilliant ups and colossal downs - a part of life, you take the bad with the good - as the cliche goes.

My playing is getting better - but on the other hand, I feel like I'm searching for two basic things:

1.) My Sound

2.) Consistency

No. 2 is something I'll be searching for, no doubt, for the rest of my life.

No. 1 is a whole other story.

My social life has taken a complete back burner to my present situation and I'm beginning to really notice its effects on my mental capacity and stability.

Bah. WHAT STABILITY?!?

It's just good to have a few friends that I can count on when really needed. Strange though, I still find myself slowly confiding in fewer and fewer people.

A few other things as related to my life, but not really worth sharing with everyone here. I think this blog may be a bit out of character for what originally was intended, but sometimes you really need to work out your thoughts in an open forum - where someone gives a bit of advice, tells you you're stupid - or - more a place for me to merely vomit the contents of my brain so as to not explode.

Seeing that I need it tomorrow....

Riepe My Heart Out

"Three Studies on Flight," by Russell Riepe - is a piece in and of itself.

[Side note, you know, that's such an odd phrase, "a piece in and of itself." Yes, it makes sense, but I find that it's used, more often then not, in the incorrect form. For example, my usage of it here is not correct, at least, based upon the opinions and research I'm about to spew forth on these pages. Maybe I'm being too literal.]

At first run through of the work, I remember thinking to myself - GREAT I.C.A. picked a good one this year (note sarcasm). Each movement has a cutesy little name: "Your laughter frees me and lends me wings," (my personal favorite) "I wandered lonely as a cloud," and "Wild Spirit...moving everywhere."

I've been working on this piece for a little bit now - and, I'm having the hardest damn time trying to locate the "LAUGHTER" in the first movement. I'm struggling to find the jovial qualities - because based on the harmonic and melodic structure, it sounds more anxiety ridden then jovial as though someone where screaming:

"I'M FLYING, I'M FREAKIN' FLYING!!!!! LOOK AT ME, SEE ME, I'M FLYING!" (Note that phrase structures may vary a bit to the original, however they are relatively close)

Looking at it from a variety of angles, you can make some connection via the structural development in the triplet rhythm. Makes me think of the Weber's F minor Concerto, where he jumps into triplets for 8 or 9 lines. I always used to think of that as laughter but structured...and with a phrase.

The concepts of flight are definitely there; along with the composers arch type painting and usage of some variant color (notably in the second movement). You definitely can feel the up and down motion of flying - almost to the point of motion sickness.

Just...can't find the laughter. Where is it?

Found this little gem on YOUTUBE, Riepe's "Three Studies on Flight". The guy's playing is nice, very stable with a good sense of control. There is a really evident ebb and flow which lends very well to the structure of the work, so bravo to him. My difficulty here in lies with the motivic development: more attention, grooming comes to mind for some reason, needs to be paid to linking common sections but at the same time also making them different.

When you're flying in a plane, and the engines stop - you better pray they start up again; that's sort of how I felt in this movement. Just go - albeit you need a breath, but the line goes - it's not a classical or romantic piece, don't worry about the listeners needing to breath - you're flying!

Then...there's the second movement. I think this is my favorite, seeing that I always feel like I'm wandering "lonely as a cloud." My only gripe: if you're going to use a variety of variant pitches, like 1/4 or 3/4 steps flat, then really integrate them - make them weave into the piece seamlessly. Shulamit Ran, brilliant composer by the way, may have been one of the best composers that systematically and eloquently intertwined extended technique in to her piece, "A Monologue." And to this day, is probably one of my favorite pieces of music for clarinet.

Tangent. Sorry.

But, I will say that there are a few moments, in the second movement, where he uses open harmonics - which I think really lend well to the color and change, especially at the pianissimo dynamic marked. I think you're suppose to feel this pseudo emptiness and many of those harmonic fingers have that sort of cavernous and lost timbre.

I can't say much about what the youtube kid did except that I never felt like I was wandering or that I was ever really alone - more sort of rushed and quizative, as if to ask: "When's lunch?"

I'll save the last movement for another day. I want to practice way too much right now to finish. :)

Get this thing out of my head

I've now had the Poulenc Sonata STUCK in my head since 5am this morning.

I rather enjoy Dressler's performance - something really natural about his playing that puts me at ease, even for this pseudo-whirlwind of a piece. This actually happens to be a problem of mine when listening to clarinetist (or musicians for that matter) - I'm always so tense watching someone perform as though I can feel their tension and know just when the train wreck is coming.

I remember having a really interesting conversation with someone on this subject. We both agreed that it's more a problem among the younger and inexperienced players (as I am) and can be almost directly related to where the player feels the beat. We feel nervous and tense watching a performance where the soloist is anticipating the beat too much; thinking and working harder then they need to while DRAGGING their accompanist with them.

Relax - you don't need to be tense because you need to convey that in your music.

Hmm, I'm really fascinated by Anton Dressler's playing. The little shit has technique out the wazoo. Although, I'm not always on the same page as his musical ideas - nonetheless, it's interesting to listen to...I need to practice.

Cheers.

Faith in humanity and the human spirit is a fickle thing.

For many, that is how they are capable of functioning in life. Never seeing the true meaning behind the words and action of the ones around them. Others lie to them and take advantage of their vulnerabilities - because that will push them to the unforeseen top rung of the latter. One can but take so much of this immoral abuse and when we loses the faith in the ones around you, you're quick to discover that all you have left - is you.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see what I used to see.

I accept that I have flaws - that my emotional and mental capacity is not some cavernous library from which I can arbitrarily pull knowledge from its dusty shelves. But others refuse to. People assume that their problems are of a quintessential importance.

I'm neither being very eloquent nor to the point about this subject. I prefer it that way - that you not know - that you not know the reasons for my lose in faith of others. I will search for it again, alone, and hope to find the humanity and truth in the words of others.

I will continue to hold on to my true and most purest love. My muse, she has disappointed me, as I her. But, she has never failed me - she has loved me, nurtured me and shown me a world I never thought conceivable. She pushes me to reach in the deepest parts of my emotional realm and emote in forms understood by so few.

A muse most of all.

Sometimes, ones emotions are best expressed through the words of others.

SONNET 50

How heavy do I journey on the way,
When what I seek, my weary travel's end,
Doth teach that ease and that repose to say
'Thus far the miles are measured from thy friend!'
The beast that bears me, tired with my woe,
Plods dully on, to bear that weight in me,
As if by some instinct the wretch did know
His rider loved not speed, being made from thee:
The bloody spur cannot provoke him on
That sometimes anger thrusts into his hide;
Which heavily he answers with a groan,
More sharp to me than spurring to his side;
For that same groan doth put this in my mind;
My grief lies onward and my joy behind.

-Shakespeare